A woman driver went through a red light. The cop stopped her and said, Lady, didn't you see that red light? The woman said, You've seen one, you've seen them all.

Today you can go to a gas station and find the cash register open and the toilets locked. They must think toilet paper is worth more than money.

The other day I started to take a course in psycho-ceramics. What is psycho-ceramics? It's the study of crackpots.

There are many things that I find attractive about a woman. Foremost to me, of course, would be a sense of humor-but that doesn't come in a bottle.

I love Chicago. I got on a bus and asked the driver, Do you go to the Loop? He said, No, I go beep-beep!

The kick [of comedy] is to think quickly. It's a great kick.

You can cut your hair how you want, but I think you should get to where you wear it normal for the future.

If you have positive energy you will always attract positive outcomes.

Stay gold Ponyboy. Stay gold.--Johnny quoting Robert Frost

Will I see you again?”I turned to him and I shrugged. “If what we feel is real, then yes I have no doubt we will.

Man has a limited biological capacity for change. When this capacity is overwhelmed, the capacity is in future shock.

Accounts are not quite settled between us," said she, with a passion that equaled my own. "I can love, and I can hate. You had your choice. You chose to spurn the first; now you must test the other.

The crazy ones only laugh when there is no reason to laugh.

If you have real, internal value, you don't need a loud, expensive imitation.

All my life I had believed that unless I was perfect I would not be loved.

We're like a gardener with a hose and our attention is water - we can water flowers or we can water weeds.

When people say to me: would you rather be thought of as a funny man or a great boss? My answer's always the same, to me, they're not mutually exclusive.