Thankfully, dreams can change. If we'd all stuck with our first dream, the world would be overrun with cowboys and princesses.

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

It doesn't really matter who said it - it's so obviously true. Bevore you can write anything, you have to notice something.

I'm independent and strong, but sometimes...just sometimes, it's nice to be taken case of. It's nice to be made to feel like a lady

Waiting. That’s always what being a spy comes down to, isn’t it?

If you don't treat an ingredient and its flavors with respect - if you drown it in oil, for instance - you'll spoil it.

[The business is] more corporate and more formulaic and less experiential.

I don't film messages. I let the post office take care of those.

Our time on earth is not well spent by counting rewards before God has given them to us, but rather, by looking for our faults and repenting of them

A good leader inspires people to have confidence in the leader, a great leader inspires people to have confidence in themselves.

I auditioned for the role of an angel in the Nativity play at school. I didn't get it. I auditioned for Mary; didn't get it. So I made up the character of the sheep who sat next to Baby Jesus.

If you don't get spending under control, eventually you're going to have a big tax increase.