Swiss Cheese is a rip-off It's the only cheese I can bite into and miss

I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win."

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.

Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

Man lives his whole life trying to figure out the secrets of life only to realize in the end life was the secret.

There is no country in the world in which everything can be provided for by laws, or in which political institutions can prove a substitute for common sense and public morality.

When she bought the cats her mother asked her straight out if they were 'baby substitutes'. 'No, ' Ruth had answered, straight-faced. 'They're kittens. If I had a baby it would be a cat substitute.

I'd rather be B.B. King. That's the way I started. Let the heavy metal guys play heavy metal, let the others play the other ... I try to do what I do better, not get away from it.

I'm fully aware had I stayed with my art, I would be well known, respected and most likely rich.

My first audition was the worst I have ever done, ever.

A little while, a moment of rest upon the wind, and another woman shall bear me.

In the end you will be your own undoing. You can't escape you.

Failure is the most effective technique to optimize strategic planning, implementation and processes.

The nightmare of materialism, which has turned the life of the universe into an evil, useless game, is not yet past; it holds the awakening soul still in its grip.