Status is always ripe for satire, status is always good for comedy.

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

In places where marriage's core meaning has been altered through legal action, officials are beginning to target for punishment those believers and churches that refuse to adapt.

The older I get, the less I care about what’s cool. I realize I’m old and weird.

On any given night, what allows me to get to that higher ground is the audience.

Never could an increase of comfort or security be a sufficient good to be bought at the price of liberty.

Companies don't get rich hurting their customers.

I don't work hard enough. If I had worked harder I might have been prime minister.

The idea of choosing something that you want to be, that you identify as, at a young age and pursuing that without question - for me that was acting.

The quality of artistry is the capacity to assume innocence at will, the quality of experiencing innocence as if for the first time.

But I never want to get to the point where I write a safe song or one that represents my sense of a subject in order to appear civilized.

Fear is a survival instinct; fear in its way is a comfort for it means that somewhere hope is alive.