South African schoolchildren set a world record this week by creating the world's longest clothesline. Hey, what do South Africans wash their clothes with? Apar-Tide!

Here in Hollywood you can actually get a marriage license printed on an Etch-A-Sketch.

The radical right is so homophobic that they're blaming global warming on the AIDS quilt.

Washington, DC is to lying what Wisconsin is to cheese.

The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What's the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you'd get a pulse.

We need anything politically important rationed out like Pez: small, sweet, and coming out of a funny, plastic head.

You've got bad eating habits if you use a grocery cart in 7-Eleven.

Maybe democrats will eventually turn on Obamacare when they realize you might need a photo I.D. to participate in the program.

Xenophobia doesn't benefit anybody unless you're playing high-stakes Scrabble.

There is a chalk outline slowly being drawn around common sense and most people can't identify the victim.

It's foolish to be prejudiced. There are so many reasons to hate people on an individual basis.

Memory chooses to preserve what desire cannot hope to sustain.

The only true happiness comes from squandering ourselves for a purpose.

We never got anything out of the recordings. I'm still as broke as I was when I was with the Mothers.

In them days, it was just still not illegal to kill an Indian. If you killed an Indian, you'd be very unfortunate if you got probation - most of them were released immediately.

To the loved, a word of affection is a morsel; but to the love-starved, a word of affection can be a feast.

In crude oil trading, we have seen a 46 percent increase over 1 year in the margins there.

Deaf? If you're near there, no wonder you are deaf.

It's always been hard to call myself a writer. I think a part of me still thinks it's too good to be true.

There can be no good art that is international. Art to be vigorous and gesund must use the material at hand.

No torment in the world is comparable to an accusing conscience.