Son, in life you do not fight battles because you expect to win......you fight them merely because they need to be fought.-Snagglepuss

The way money goes so fast these days, they should paint racing stripes on it.

Believe me when I say that Bill Clinton's second term will be good for business. My business.

You've got the brain-washed, that's the Democrats, and the brain-dead, that's the Republicans!

People are not in a good mood when any politician's face appears on television.

I squirm when I see athletes praying before a game. Don't they realize that if God took sports seriously he never would have created George Steinbrenner.

A Consultant is a guy who knows 125 different ways to make love, but who doesn't know any women.

Young people, take heart: the older you get, the fewer commandments you will have the strength to break.

If you call your opponent a politician, it's grounds for libel.

If the audience doesn't like it, usually they're just silent. But they've never all walked out at once.

The sacred exists only at the expense of the truth.

You are a true success if you can trust yourself, love yourself, and be yourself.

A good friend is someone who gets ya drunk and then walks ya home afterwards.

I never thought the brightest smile would come from a mouth without teeth.

It doesn't matter is you call it 'Obama-care' or 'Elvis Presley care' or 'I-don't-care care.' It cannot sustain itself in its present form.

I'm not a centerfold.

There are three words I like to repeat to myself: glass half full. Just to remind myself to be grateful for everything I have.

My dad is a pilot so I think I was born with the travel bug.

A lot of times, it gets weird when some guy is playing your dad. It feels weird to you. It feels like they're forcing sentiment. It's disgusting.

Never fear another challenger, no matter how large; Never despise another challenger, no matter how small.

I'm not one of these people that needs to feel loved. I don't need to see my picture everywhere.