Six bucks and my right nut says we're not landing in Chicago.

As long as you can savor the humorous aspect of misery and misfortune, you can overcome anything.

I'm a mog: half man, half dog. I'm my own best friend!

If you're not happy without it, you'll never be happy with it.

Wherever you go in the world, you just have to say you're Canadian and people laugh

Who wants an orange whip? Orange whip? Orange whip? Three orange whips.

I thought to myself, "Join the army!" It's free. So I figured while I'm here I'll lose a few pounds.

You know, the finest line a man will walk is between success at work and success at home.

I know what I have to do if I want to lose weight and stay healthy: eat a proper diet and exercise. All I've got to do is apply it.

I'm the one who has to look in the mirror, and after a while it begins to eat at you.

Like your job. Love your wife.

Instead of others, ask yourself, “Are you really okay?” Check on yourself like this and do a warm “Goodnight” to yourself.

The greater your inner light the brighter your outer world.

When you fall so many times, you become the master of flight.

I pay the School Master but 'tis the school boys that educate my son.

Life isn't about trying to be an expert in everything. It's about being an expert in one thing and offering it to the world.

When I was in grade school I was into chess club, Latin club, D&D, computer camp - everything that made vaginas go away.

The real secret to guacamole is that you use exactly the elements that you need, which is cilantro, onion, tomato, and jalapenos. And, of course, avocado.

I can think of endless horrible things to do to people!

I have to wear clothes but I don't like to give an idea of what I am with clothes.

A few countries like Sri Lanka and Honduras have led the way in slashing maternal mortality.