Run scared ... and they never catch you.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

Whoever wants the "I" to yield up its mysterious and tremendous secret must stop it from looking perpetually in the mirror, must stop the little ego's fascination with its own image.

Dada was an extreme protest against the physical side of painting. It was a metaphysical attitude.

Justice is not something God has. Justice is something that God is.

I already know what things look like - I don't want description. People believe in appearances, and I don't believe in appearances at all.

You should feel that, under the right conditions, all women would be available.

One goes to the right, the other to the left; both are wrong, but in different directions.

I figure that if God actually does exist, he is big enough to understand an honest difference of opinion.

We never give up wanting things for ourselves, but there comes a day when what we want for ourselves is someone else's happiness.

I feel bad for these preachers man, they're on their jets doing all of that stuff because there's a lot of people living hell on earth.

We always come back to the same vicious circle - an extreme degree of material or intellectual poverty does away with the means of alleviating it.