Republicans will need to work hard to capture the Latino vote instead of their current strategy of capturing Latinos.

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

The purpose of Neurotheology shall be to ease human sufferings with a deeper understanding of the neurobiological substrates of spirituality and divinity.

It’s no longer history in the making. It’s our story we are making.

Feeling sorry for yourself, and your present condition, is not only a waste of energy but the worst habit you could possibly have.

Acting is just something I always knew I wanted to do - acting and writing.

There is no conflict between the Old and the New; the conflict is between the False and the True.

In truth, there is enormous space in which to live our everyday lives.

It was neither preaching nor praying that made a better man of me, but one or two people who believed in me better than I deserved, and I hated to disappoint them.

Now the Earth with many flowers puts on her spring embroidery

It doesn't matter what part I play, I try and commit myself 100 percent.