Proper respect to others is the most prudent rule of directing the measure of reverence due to ourselves.

They say that if you're afraid of homosexuals, it means that deep down inside you're actually a homosexual yourself. That worries me because I'm afraid of dogs.

I don't know the difference between a hippie and a hipster but, it's fun to watch either one of them get beat up.

Yeah man, they call gambling a disease, but it's the only disease where you can win a bunch of money.

Note to self: no matter how bad life gets, there's always beer.

When I hear a guy lost a battle to cancer, that really did bother me, that that's a term. It implies that he failed and that somebody else that defeated cancer is heroic and courageous.

I'm thankful for women. I think women are more intelligent than men. Also, without women, there would be no cookies.

You know, with Hitler, the more I learn about that guy, the more I don't care for him.

You ever see 'The Dating Game'? That's a weird game show. The prize on that show: another contestant. Talk about cheap.

The first principle of solid wisdom is discretion, without it all the erudition of life is merely bagatelle.

I always told everybody the perfect joke would be where the setup and punch line were identical.

The mind is often an area where "people play around with sin".

She was truly happy for the first time in her life, and it felt just like living in a small room painted all white, with windows looking out onto impenetrable forest.

The first trick I bought at Macy's was a little wooden board where a quarter would appear and disappear.

In the end, the Labour party could cease to represent labour. Stranger historic ironies have happened than that.

Pretending you are not in love with someone only delays the time of you getting over them.

Peter [Norman] never vacated from himself as to who he was.

Don't assume that your personal moral compass, however admirable it may be, will always give you the right answer to complicated questions that require in-depth analysis.

Remember when you were eleven years old and you thought how great it would be to get your period? And then you got it? That's what planning a wedding is like.

Girls, when you walk down the street, just stay nasty. Please stay nasty for me because that's how I freak out. So stay nasty and be nasty and have a beautiful time.

All I could do is lie there and think about how much her voice changed when she asked me if she was pretty, and how much she changed when I answered.