Prohibition didn't work, so why should emancipation work? I think we should just stick with a system that has proven to be effective.

I was mad when I heard The Amazing Race wasn't about white people.

I was kosher until I had my Bar Mitzvah, and I parlayed officially becoming a man into telling my father I wanted to eat cheeseburgers.

I once fisted two babies and then used the corpses as boxing gloves to fight off the grieving parents.

It's all about being a part of something in the community, socializing with people who share interests and coming together to help improve the world we live in.

In New York, we tip everyone. We tip doormen, we tip cab drivers, and we tip bartenders at the bar. You'll get quite an evil eye if you don't leave a tip at the bar.

I like hot dogs. I like eggplant. I like pizza and creamed corn and beer. But I don't like Arabs.

The best way to travel abroad is to live with the locals.

I don't mind it if blacks want equal rights, as long as they mean rights equal to a dog

It turns out Superman is weak to Kryptonite and horses.

Women have the right to choose what do with their own bodies. They can take it in the cooch or in the pooper. But that's where their right to choose stops, in my opinion.

The best lies were always mixed with truth.

It is painfully easy to define human beings. They are beings who, for no good reason at all, create their own unnecessary suffering.

Everywhere man blames nature and fate, yet his fate is mostly but the echo of his character and passions, his mistakes and weaknesses.

Motherhood: All love begins and ends there.

God does not love us because we are hard or easy to love, He loves us because He is God.

Nobody creates a fad. It just happens. People love going along with the idea of a beautiful pig. It’s like a conspiracy.

Whatever you do, it's over when you do it - but first you have to do it.

In choosing a President, we really don't choose a Republican or Democrat, a conservative or liberal. We choose a leader.

What is writing? Writing is telepathy.

I distinctly remember watching Annie when I was very little and thinking 'I don't like this kid.' In fact I think I remember thinking 'I don't like any of these kids.' That's all I remember.