President Bush said that our kids must be taught how to read. He said if his aides never learned to read, they'd never be able to tell him what's in the newspapers every day.

According to a new survey, 90% of men say their lover is also their best friend. Which is really kind of disturbing when you consider man's best friend is his dog.

Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline like 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?

The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.

Today is Valentine's Day - or, as men like to call it, Extortion Day!

You can't stay mad at somebody who makes you laugh.

Politics is just show business for ugly people.

CNN found that Hillary Clinton is the most admired woman in America. Women admire her because she's strong and successful. Men admire her because she allows her husband to cheat and get away with it.

I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, 'I'd like some fries.' The girl at the counter said, 'Would you like some fries with that?'

Bush reiterated his stand to conservatives opposing his decision on stem cell research. He said today he believes life begins at conception and ends at execution.

Magic Johnson, former basketball player, may run for mayor of L.A. in the next election. Remember the good 'ol days when only qualified people ran for office like actors and professional wrestlers.

I need music. It's like my heartbeat, so to speak. It keeps me going no matter what's going on - bad games, press, whatever!

After 12 years, the old butterflies came back. Well, I guess at my age you call them moths.

We're dead as a species if we don't tell stories, because then we don't know who we are.

one day I'll be old, without ever having really been young

Women have a smile for every joy, a tear for every sorrow, a consolation for every grief, an excuse for every fault, a prayer for every misfortune, and encouragement for every hope.

In order to successfully impersonate men, the woman [Margaret Thatcher] launched a war.

Solve the race problem here, and once you solve the race problem here, you don't have to send these billions of dollars abroad.

I set out to really build this universe of interfaith connectedness, where people could see that other people in different parts of the world are very much like them.

Dempsey could beat anybody he could hit. The only reason that he couldn't do anything with fellows like Tunney or Greb or myself was he couldn't hit us.

I do a lot of TV stuff, but I also turn a lot down - it's got to be an adventure.