No one ever grew up intending to be an umpire, except perhaps my friend Bill Haller. His brother Tom wanted to be a catcher, so an affinity for masks must run in that family.

Umpiring is best described as the profession of standing between two seven-year olds with one ice cream cone.

The practical joke is the psychiatry of baseball.

Throwing people out of a game is like learning to ride a bicycle--once you get the hang of it, it can be a lot of fun.

Any umpire who claims he has never missed a play is . . . well, an umpire.

Umpire's heaven is a place where he works third base every game. Home is where the heartache is.

One reason I never called balks is that I never understood the rule.

Being an umpire is like being a king. It prepares you for nothing.

Lou Piniella only argues on days ending with the letter 'y'.

I never called a balk in my life. I didn't understand the rule.

If it's true you learn from your mistakes, Jim Frey will be the best manager ever

An apple tree is just like a person. In order to thrive, it needs companionship that's similar to it in some ways, but quite different than others.

As three laws were good enough for Newton, I have modestly decided to stop there.

Oh, I'm just Ego's assistant. It's not anything big.

There's also something sexual about watching the nubile girl in terror. But you do take on her fear as your own.

Who thinks of justice unless he knows injustice?

Jazz, for me, is a closed circuit, like the term baroque in the world of classical music.

[Ashcroft vowed to] spare no effort to preserve the rights of all our citizens to pledge allegiance to the American flag.

Be confident enough to encourage confidence in others.

Knowing what matters most, what I call "being real," is the alpha and omega for leaders.

Often people going into directing want to learn as much as they possibly can about "technique." And I say the hell with that.