Lou Piniella only argues on days ending with the letter 'y'.

No one ever grew up intending to be an umpire, except perhaps my friend Bill Haller. His brother Tom wanted to be a catcher, so an affinity for masks must run in that family.

Umpiring is best described as the profession of standing between two seven-year olds with one ice cream cone.

The practical joke is the psychiatry of baseball.

Throwing people out of a game is like learning to ride a bicycle--once you get the hang of it, it can be a lot of fun.

Any umpire who claims he has never missed a play is . . . well, an umpire.

Umpire's heaven is a place where he works third base every game. Home is where the heartache is.

One reason I never called balks is that I never understood the rule.

Being an umpire is like being a king. It prepares you for nothing.

I never called a balk in my life. I didn't understand the rule.

If it's true you learn from your mistakes, Jim Frey will be the best manager ever

My art is an act of creation and destruction, with all the sorrow and joy these engender as well as all the shadow and light these contain.

Discipline is remembering what you want most, not what you want now.

Every step that I've taken was a learning lesson. Even to not think you're so big and so bad you can't fall.

Trust me-the day I'm not into football, I'll walk away.

I don't eat bubble gum, but I like the smell.

I am gentle with myself, knowing that I am doing the best I can with the knowledge and understanding I have

Life is neither comedy or tragedy, life is what you make of it.

When a woman acts as though she’s capable of everything, she gets stuck doing everything.

Any truth is only true up to a certain point. When one oversteps the mark, it becomes a non-truth.

He's a trellis for varicose veins.