No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed. I have known mothers who remake the bed after their children do it because there is wrinkle in the spread or the blanket is on crooked. This is sick.

Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'.

In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.

Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead.

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.

When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out.

No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed.

Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.

Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago.

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.

Beauty is the manifestation of love.

Stiff, huh? I think seeing you roll around on the floor in that tight little outfit accomplished that.

Deception starts from the pulpit

To transcend the identification with the body one has to realize the auspiciousness and divinity residing within each cell of the body. One needs to realize the illusory nature of the body.

I don't like talking about myself and I don't like talking about the work.

Life is in ourselves and not in the external.

Criticism and pessimism destroy families, undermine institutions of all kinds, defeat nearly everyone, and spread a shroud of gloom over entire nations.

You journalists bulldoze life's mysteries, ignorant of what you're so ruthlessly turning up.

I try so hard not to think that I am a stranger in a strange land. But I know that I stand out.

Modern politics has become little more than shirking responsibility and blaming somebody else.