My idea for peace in the Middle East is to go back to the 1966 line, but to build even more houses for the Palestinians, who are a poor people.

I don't think my wife likes me very much, when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.

What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a poodle peeing on your leg? You let the Rottweiler finish.

I was in the Far East and I went into a restaurant and I ordered octopus and the waiter said: "It takes four hours." I asked why and he said: "It keeps turning off the gas."

Doctor told me I've got two weeks to live. I said: "Can I have the last week in July and the 1st week in August?"

There were two Irishmen eating sandwiches in a pub and the landlord said: "You can't eat your own food in here." So they swapped sandwiches.

Have you heard about the Irishman who reversed into a car boot sale and sold the engine?

My wife went into the butchers and said: "You've a sheep's head in your window." The butcher said: "That's a mirror."

A girl asks her doctor, "Doctor, I've forgotten to take my contradictory pill!" The doctor says: "Are you ignorant?" The girl says: "Yes, three months!"

There was a man sitting in the dining room of the Titanic, he said: "I know I asked for ice, but this is ridiculous."

A man says to the doctor: "What's the good news?" "You've got 24 hours to live." He says: "What's the bad news?" The doctor says: "We should have told you yesterday."

Life is neither static nor unchanging. With no individuality, there can be no change, no adaptation and, in an inherently changing world, any species unable to adapt is also doomed.

Once you can communicate with yourself, you'll be able to communicate outwardly with more clarity. The way in is the way out.

Don had made a fewer mistakes and learned from every one of them

Happy the man who has broken the chains which hurt the mind and has given up worrying once and for all.

Jace, There is no wedding! Stop Isabelle! Sit on her if you have to. Just stop her from doing whatever she's doing or I can never come home. -Alec

Girls see these defined roles they're supposed to follow in life, but when I was a young child, my parents told me I could be anything.

The surest way to escape anxiety and defeat despair is action. Do, don't dwell.

I was the youngest of seven kids and I would not have been able to go to college without an athletic scholarship.

I will fly in the greatness of God as the marsh-hen flies, In the freedom that fills all the space 'twixt the marsh and the skies.

It's strange when you're innocent, are you supposed to ask for forgiveness from the judge who's ready to put you away for several years? No, this wasn't even discussed.