My face has been tucked in more times than a bedsheet at the Holiday Inn.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

God will not look you over for medals, degrees or diplomas but for scars.

It becomes a lot easier to understand people when you realize that not everyone wants or is after the same thing.

in the end, everyone can understand themselves only. You are the only one to which you never have to explain what you mean. Everything else is misunderstanding.

The ideal of all Kosovo is membership in the E.U. and a permanent friendship with the United States. I believe and I am convinced our dreams will come true.

The instrument through which you see God is your whole self. And if a man's self is not kept clean and bright, his glimpse of God will be blurred

UNESCO is the conscience of the United Nations.

An ounce of gold is an ounce of gold, whether it consists of guineas, sovereigns or eagles.

Working on photography is working on oneself.

The writer's language is to some degree the product of his own action; he is both the historian and the agent of his own language.

Rose Hathaway: "You see something you like?" Dimitri Belikov: "Get dressed.