Most people are dead. Hitler. Ray Charles. Some other guys. But mostly those two.

When a person tells you that you hurt them, you don't get to decide that you didn't.

The greatest thing about having a child is putting yourself second in your own life. It's a massive gift to be able to say you're not the most important person to yourself.

I don't stop eating when I'm full. The meal isn't over when I'm full. It's over when I hate myself.

I have a lot of beliefs... and I live by none of them...

My kids used to love math. Now it makes them cry. Thanks standardized testing and common core!

When you have bacon in your mouth, it doesn't matter who's president.

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime. Leave the dude alone and he'll figure it out.

Everything is amazing and nobody is happy

What happens after you die? Lot's of things happen after you die - they just don't involve you

One thing I learned from drinking is that if you ever go Christmas caroling, you should go with a group of people. And also go in mid-December.

Dreaming is free.

Fox News' Megyn Kelly was the first to air the video on her program, 'The Kelly File.'

Write, write, write-till your fingers break.

Time will bring to light whatever is hidden it will cover up and conceal what is now shining in splendor.

If you're injured in an automobile accident, and you sue the driver, you get much more for your injury than if you're fighting for your country. There's a double standard here.

I am a completely different person when I am working on different collections.

If a studio sees that a female can bring in audiences, then they're going to make movies with that person.

If she undervalues me, What care I how fair she be?

Some one is generally sure to be the sufferer by a joke.

My purpose is to inspire people of all walks of life to discover the virtue inherent within them and to bring forth that virtue in their daily lives.