Most of the people in my family were pretty funny. Everyone had a good sense of humor. I came to California right after college, wanting to be a musician.

My wife and I want to try swapping. We want to go to one of those key parties where you put your keys in a bowl. But we just want to upgrade our car.

George Lopez does so much mugging, I'm surprised he's not up on charges.

People are trying so hard to become famous. Johnny Marbles, he tried to throw a pie in Rupert Murdoch's face. What do I gotta do, give Sumner Redstone a wedgie?

You know, civil rights is great and everything, but a lot of people don't realize that plumbers in the South make less money than when they used to install separate drinking fountains.

There's a lot of controversy online, some people say i'm a genius and other say i'm hugely talented.

Jewish people, we don't need the money. We're doctors and lawyers. It's the Christians who can't hold a steady job and have to go on TV and ask for money.

Tracy Morgan apologizes for his homophobic rant, still no apologies for the sketch about the guy living under the street.

I believe conspiracy theories are part of a larger conspiracy to distract us from the real conspiracy. String theory.

Some of my inventions didn't take off. I invented a url lengthener.

My cat's fully capable of speaking, but he says he's afraid of me turning it into a Kevin James vehicle.

How beautifully the leaves grow old. How full of light and colour are their last days.

Can we imagine the United States without electricity? No, that would be pretty hard. Likewise, we can't really imagine being without an open Internet. The cost would be so grave, so serious.

I have a dirty mouth sometimes, and I'm very liberal, and that doesn't always go down well in the film industry - especially when you've got to appeal to mums and daughters.

I can assure you that everyone that talks to me doesn't share my views. I seem to be a barometer of public opinion.

The beauty in the death that awaits us, I find a timeless beauty in that.

You make each day a special day. You know how, by just your being you.

You may try — but you can never imagine what it is to have a man's force of genius in you, and yet to suffer the slavery of being a girl.

The great saint may be said to mix all his thoughts with thanks. All goods look better when they look like gifts.

Moderation is the key so I work certain amout of time and then I take a certain amount of time off.

Science disembodies; art embodies.