Most children's first words are 'Mama' or 'Daddy.' Mine were, 'Do I have to use my own money?'

Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'.

In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.

Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead.

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.

When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out.

No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed.

Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.

Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago.

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.

Don't wait until there is tragedy in your life. Don't wait until you lose somebody. Don't wait until it's too late. Appreciate the beautiful people that you have in your life now.

Image is powerful. But image is also superficial.

An image of thought called philosophy has been formed historically and it effectively stops people from thinking.

There is something uncannily adaptive about anti-Semitism: the way it can hide, unsuspected, in the most progressive minds.

I think when you really adore something and you've grown up with it you almost don't want to be part of it. I want to enjoy it as a fan and don't want to ruin the magic.

If I fail it is only because I have too much pride and ambition.

Many share my views with me. But I don't share them with them.

Perhaps that is because you mistake death for justice, and they are not the same thing at all.

They don't understand what it is to be awake, / To be living on several planes at once / Though one cannot speak with several voices at once.

Most 'profound truths' are just timely ideas.