Man, you can come see me six or seven times in a row and you'll never see the same show twice, because I don't like to be robotic onstage. I like to perform for that particular audience.

I thought 'Pineapple Express' was hilarious.

Remember Tupperware? That was the toughest stuff ever. Why can't they make a phone out of Tupperware?

When you're babysitting a kid, all you're seeing is a version of them, a small dosage.

I am the comedy version of ambidextrous. I'm working with my left and right hand. I'm the two-sided coin. I'm all of those metaphors you can think of. I'm the interracial couple. I'm BET and CBS.

You're trying to make someone wet their pants and you're trying to make somebody crap in their pants. That's the motivation of a comic. Who else has that power?

All you wanna do in life is do what you do well. That's when you're happiest.

You know how you put peanut butter on a piece of bread and the bread falls - it never falls on the bread side down, it always falls peanut butter side down. That's because of gravity.

You ever taste some damn chicken so horrible, that you wished the chicken would show up at your house and show your lady how to cook him?

This Italian restaurant I'm at is authentic! When they seat you, they give you a mustache.

My life is gardening, cleaning around the house and power washing.

Even death is going to die!

What I found personally to be true was that it's easier to manipulate people rather than technology.

Memory is the most malicious cutter of all, preserving, recasting, panning in slow motion across the awful bits so that we retain every detail.

When will it no longer be necessary to attach special weight to the word 'woman' and raise it specially?

It is a peculiarity of the American mind that it regards any excursion into the truth as an adventure into cynicism.

The fact is, everyone is in sales. Whatever area you work in, you do have clients and you do need to sell.

I don't have a problem with my body. I'm not just going to strip off all my clothing, but if the part calls for it and I don't think there's any way round, I'm absolutely fine.

...in any society, Law is an illusory concept that works only when everyone voluntarily agrees to live by it.

I’m a big fan of doing what you are really bad at. A lot.

My great-aunt. . . . said nobody under 18 had any business reading Dickens. . . . She was right.