I am the comedy version of ambidextrous. I'm working with my left and right hand. I'm the two-sided coin. I'm all of those metaphors you can think of. I'm the interracial couple. I'm BET and CBS.

I thought 'Pineapple Express' was hilarious.

Remember Tupperware? That was the toughest stuff ever. Why can't they make a phone out of Tupperware?

When you're babysitting a kid, all you're seeing is a version of them, a small dosage.

You're trying to make someone wet their pants and you're trying to make somebody crap in their pants. That's the motivation of a comic. Who else has that power?

All you wanna do in life is do what you do well. That's when you're happiest.

You know how you put peanut butter on a piece of bread and the bread falls - it never falls on the bread side down, it always falls peanut butter side down. That's because of gravity.

You ever taste some damn chicken so horrible, that you wished the chicken would show up at your house and show your lady how to cook him?

Man, you can come see me six or seven times in a row and you'll never see the same show twice, because I don't like to be robotic onstage. I like to perform for that particular audience.

This Italian restaurant I'm at is authentic! When they seat you, they give you a mustache.

My life is gardening, cleaning around the house and power washing.

Courage emerges as you climb over the circumstances that threaten to bury you! But you must be willing to climb to find courage.

I've never seen Star Wars or The Godfather, so that would be a good excuse for us to spend a bunch of time together.

There's no one way to dance. And that's kind of my philosophy about everything.

I come from a place where we're not that shy about our bodies.

It’s always summer somewhere.

Matter-of-fact descriptions make the improbable seem real.

A thicket of summer grass / Is all that remains / Of the dreams of ancient warriors.

Would you rather die, or be unwound?

Prolific programmers contribute to certain disaster.

My yachts were, I suppose, outstanding status symbols.