Life is so tough. I don't know how old you are, but I've seen so much in a wink. One phone call and your life is changed forever. We all know that. You better laugh at everything.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

Sometimes your mind can imprison your body and can put your body under some constraints. There is only one way for your body to be free: To free your mind!

Whenever I write a story, I hope it appeals to both boys and girls.

Every man over 40 should have a PSA test each year.

Many a man who has known himself at ten forgets himself utterly between ten and thirty.

Da Vinci always seemed like the prototype Tony Stark to me.

Only in North America is it regarded as a major achievement to speak one language moderately well.

I went to Louisiana Tech, which is just down the road from where we lived. It was an easy college to get into.

If you stick around long enough, people start referring to you as a survivor. Suddenly I found myself on the receiving end of several prestigious awards.

The Chinese government is quickly losing its ideological legitimacy, maintain its rule with force, but cannot draw strength from the ideology of Marx and Mao.

The more we refine our understanding of God to make the concept plausible, the more it seems pointless.