Life is a windowless room in the Hotel Bellevue.

I've never understood the point of ecstasy. I think if I wanted to get dehydrated and jump about with a load of people I've never met before I could go to a Methodist barn dance.

Jogging is for people who aren't intelligent enough to watch television.

I once went to one of those parties where everyone throws their car keys into the middle of the room. I don't know who got my moped, but I drove that Peugeot for years.

I know I've got a degree. Why does that mean I have to spend my life with intellectuals? I've got a lifesaving certificate but I don't spend my evenings diving for a rubber brick with my pyjamas on.

Life's not fair, is it? Some of us drink champagne in the fast lane, and some of us eat our sandwiches by the loose chippings on the A597.

All my friends started getting boyfriends, but I didn't want a boyfriend, I wanted a thirteen-colour biro.

On a train, why do I always end up sitting next to the woman who's eating the individual fruit pie by sucking the filling out through the hole in the middle?

I can remember when pants were pants. You wore them for twenty years, then you cut them down for pan scrubs. Or quilts.

In Russia, show the least athletic aptitude and they've got you dangling off the parallel bars with a leotard full of hormones.

A man is designed to walk three miles in the rain to phone for help when the car breaks down - and a woman is designed to say, 'you took your time' when he comes back dripping wet.

Inspiration is an inner string which must be tuned often in order to play it.

I'm not happy when I'm writing, but I'm more unhappy when I'm not.

You can change a life by touching someone with simple, beautiful, kind, words and a loving smile.

When I work on a piece I always think if there is an abundance of male characters which one could we change to a woman or a minority character.

An actress in a film starts every day with an hour and a half in front of a mirror, with hair and make-up and costumes.

I don't get a whole lot out of the romance thing, but I realize girls do. So I'll go out of my way to make them feel romanced.

My teeth are all my own. I've just finished paying for them.

I feel like nowadays everyone perceives you the same way. You can't even have a private life away from your family; it's like everything is very hands-on!

We pray that the deceitful race - such hateful enemies and blasphemers of the name of Christ - be not allowed to further infect and trouble this new colony.

If you think that hiring professionals is expensive, try hiring amateurs