In Russia, show the least athletic aptitude and they've got you dangling off the parallel bars with a leotard full of hormones.

I've never understood the point of ecstasy. I think if I wanted to get dehydrated and jump about with a load of people I've never met before I could go to a Methodist barn dance.

Jogging is for people who aren't intelligent enough to watch television.

I once went to one of those parties where everyone throws their car keys into the middle of the room. I don't know who got my moped, but I drove that Peugeot for years.

I know I've got a degree. Why does that mean I have to spend my life with intellectuals? I've got a lifesaving certificate but I don't spend my evenings diving for a rubber brick with my pyjamas on.

Life's not fair, is it? Some of us drink champagne in the fast lane, and some of us eat our sandwiches by the loose chippings on the A597.

All my friends started getting boyfriends, but I didn't want a boyfriend, I wanted a thirteen-colour biro.

On a train, why do I always end up sitting next to the woman who's eating the individual fruit pie by sucking the filling out through the hole in the middle?

I can remember when pants were pants. You wore them for twenty years, then you cut them down for pan scrubs. Or quilts.

A man is designed to walk three miles in the rain to phone for help when the car breaks down - and a woman is designed to say, 'you took your time' when he comes back dripping wet.

If God had meant men to have children, he would have given them a PVC apron.

He could have had his choice of any woman in the district. And he chose solitude. Not solitude – that sounds too peaceful. More like solitary confinement.

'Star Wars' was, I mean, it was the first time I remember seeing three movies that all kind of went together. It was just an amazing final understanding of what a trilogy was.

A sailor may choose the wind to ride out of seaport, but the wind has a mind of it's own.

A guy can do far far worse than surrounding himself with people who restore his faith in humanity.

If someone asks for a soft drink at a party, we no longer think he is a wimp.

I miss my boats, and I miss having the ability to be out on the water during the daytime and then go skiing at night.

I don't know. I've never been on second before.

Though it's a small price to pay, shaving my head has opened more doors than I ever thought possible.

You can't wring your hands and roll up your sleeves at the same time.

You have to have coalitions in order to make change in America.