Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It's all funny.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

Even the highest branches cannot deny that they have roots in a common bond.

And the thing that I always tried to do with important singers when I met them was to sit down and record everything they knew, give them a first real run-through of their art.

You may not be able to change the events of your history, but you can change the story you've attached to those events.

I think all the roles I've played really center around either the great conflict or how the great conflict affects the people that I love. I've been cast often as a hard-nosed, hyper-confident guy.

I got kicked out of high school, so I couldn't get into very many colleges.

Life is in ourselves and not in the external.

You know Manchester is always a bit of a hard place for people coming from London, just with all the history. Manchester has this immensely huge and healthy history musically.

The only quality needed for an MP is the ability to write a good letter.

It seems that nearly every American either has a share of federal spending or has a close relative who does.