Last time I was in Canada Celine Dion had just given birth to identical twins. Which is quite an achievement given her age and face.

My parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles were all funny, and I felt that energy, that delivery, that timing, that sarcasm. All that stuff seeped into my brain.

Life is short. You have to be able to laugh at our pain or we never move on.

Do you want me to apologize after every joke? If it doesn't offend somebody it's probably not a joke. It's probably an observation that's not funny. It's gotta offend somebody somewhere.

I've actually tried to roast somebody that I don't like, and it doesn't go well. Either they're a bad sport or I'm not as funny as I could be.

When I see a good singer, I get teary-eyed. Part of it is jealousy because all comedians are frustrated rock stars. That's a fact.

How is it possible that Courtney Love looks worse than Kurt Cobain?

I've always liked cops, as much as you can like a group of people, you know? Sure, I've been hassled, but I'm a white dude - privileged.

Instead of running for President, why don’t you try walking on a treadmill?

My life and my career have been a series of happy and not so happy accidents.

It really bothers me when some people say that all cops are racist. Of course that's not true. Most of you are just [expletive] to everybody.

Thank you O Lord my savior.

Living isn't always red bows and birthday balloons.

To recongnize that the treachery of one member of a house does not taint all born within it

I do not think any reasonable person can doubt that in India, China and Japan, if the knowledge of birth control existed, the birthrate would fall very rapidly

There's nothing undignified about lying about all day and being waited on by servants, sipping bloody champagne.

My role as CEO is to protect the company AND nurture it to grow.

Whether I start or come off the bench makes no difference to me. My game has always been go as hard as I can as long as I can

If any of you ... have a mind to make himself heard a mile off, you must make a bonfire of your reputations, and a close enemy of most men who would wish you well.

The goal is not to be better than anyone else but rather be better than you were yesterday.

In this day and age of digital media, as we've learned, it's not as though nobody's going to find out what you said.