Instead of running for President, why don’t you try walking on a treadmill?

My parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles were all funny, and I felt that energy, that delivery, that timing, that sarcasm. All that stuff seeped into my brain.

Life is short. You have to be able to laugh at our pain or we never move on.

Do you want me to apologize after every joke? If it doesn't offend somebody it's probably not a joke. It's probably an observation that's not funny. It's gotta offend somebody somewhere.

I've actually tried to roast somebody that I don't like, and it doesn't go well. Either they're a bad sport or I'm not as funny as I could be.

When I see a good singer, I get teary-eyed. Part of it is jealousy because all comedians are frustrated rock stars. That's a fact.

How is it possible that Courtney Love looks worse than Kurt Cobain?

I've always liked cops, as much as you can like a group of people, you know? Sure, I've been hassled, but I'm a white dude - privileged.

My life and my career have been a series of happy and not so happy accidents.

It really bothers me when some people say that all cops are racist. Of course that's not true. Most of you are just [expletive] to everybody.

Maybe I'm corny, but I'm a big believer in second chances.

Perfect prayer does not consist in many words, silent remembering and pure intention raises the heart to that supreme Power.

The pinnacle of human consciousness must be the rejection of unhealthy competition, war and violence.

Pop changes week to week, month to month. But great music is like literature.

Universal coverage, not medical technology, is the foundation of any caring health care system.

Work is an almost pure expression of the self.

Once a day you should look into the mirror to see if what stands between you and happiness isn't you.

Although we didn't invite Lucinda, she arrived anyway-with a gift. "No need," Char and I chimed together. "Remember when you were a squirrel," Mandy said.

Bavaria is a dynamic, cosmopolitan state. Those who don't adapt fall behind.

They scored too early.

The best ideas often look terrible at the beginning the truly good ideas, don't seem like they're worth stealing.