Kids seem to get me when I play colleges - they like it because I go after them. They'll come up after and say I am like their dads, only funny.

All the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911.

MTV is to music as KFC is to chicken!

I like coffee because it gives me the illusion that I might be awake.

There's no such thing as soy milk. It's soy juice.

Donald Trump came out as a birther, which is Republican for, 'I'm running for president.'

Elected officials shouldn’t get to choose who gets to choose elected officials.

If a group of people - leaders - can convince a group of folk who barely have a pot to piss in that the rich shouldn't be taxed-- THAT is leadership!

When it comes to idiots, America's got more than its fair share. If idiots were energy, it would be a source that would never run out.

You can never put too much pork in your mouth as far as I'm concerned.

What I find most disturbing about Valentine's Day is, look, I get that you have to have a holiday of love, but in the height of flu season, it makes no sense.

Success comes from closing the gap between who you are today and your ultimate potential.

What did the 5 fingers say to the face. S L A P!

I have a motto: it's never too late to give up. It's never too late to give up what you are doing, and start doing what you realise you love.

What is the greatest deficiency among human Chrsitians? They have an inadequate view of human suffering.

Girls must be thwarted early in life.

We need a Savior. Christmas is an indictment before it becomes a delight.

A friend must not be injured, even in jest.

It is commonly and, I believe, accurately said of Pakistan that her women are much more impressive than her men.

On the whole, show business is a hard business in which to be married

We are the words; we are the music; we are the thing itself.