Kids need love the most when they're acting most unlovable.

Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'.

In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.

Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead.

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.

When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out.

No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed.

Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.

Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago.

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.

...I don't just wish you rain, Beloved - I wish you the beauty of storms...

Discord occasions a momentary distress to the ear which remains unsatisfied and even uneasy until it hears something better.

I Want to get lost in a world where I feel found

What ought one to say then as each hardship comes? I was practicing for this, I was training for this.

Sid Vicious is a thinking man's wrestler!

You can break down anything for a child, and you have to know what your child is ready for and what your child is not.

If that isn't typical male stupidity! If something doesn't work, kick it or swear at it!

There isn't a single one of us who hasn't harvested either the positive or negative effects of a simple choice of behavior.

You work your butt off and somebody says you can't have your record played because it offends them. Tyrants are made of such stuff.

It's phenomenal the kind of support Donald Trump has, despite the best efforts to suppress it, and those efforts are being made, I think it's profound, the number of people.