Its a strange world. Lets keep it that way.

You're miserable, edgy and tired. You're in the perfect mood for journalism.

Scotch whisky is made from barley and the morning dew on angel's nipples.

If you believe that your thoughts originate inside your brain, do you also believe that television shows are made inside your television set?

Read comics. All comics. And then cut them open to steal their power.

I want a tattoo over my heart that reads TRY HARDER YOU LAZY PARAMEDIC SHITBAG OR I WILL HAUNT YOUR BEDROOM FOREVER

That means that the universe is two-dimensional. Matter, energy, time, you, me and the floor are holograms.

The single simplest reason why human space flight is necessary is this, stated as plainly as possible: keeping all your breeding pairs in one place is a retarded way to run a species.

Wolves ate even mighty hunters, for there was no honor or code among predators, and everyone's guts steam the same way when torn open on a cold night.

Drinking is fun! It makes me feel horrible and sexy!

What if I left my memory in the future and I have to catch up to it?

If loving and communing with God isn’t your primary purpose in prayer, you’re missing out on what Christianity is all about!

What makes creative people tingle are interesting problems, the chance to impress their friends, and caffeine.

Education is indoctrination if you're white - subjugation if you're black.

A fool who, after plain warning, persists in dosing himself with dangerous drugs should be free to do so, for his death is a benefit to the race in general.

A White House dinner is the American family assembled, from labor leaders to billionaires, actors, architects, academicians and athletes.

I think that you can make a drama and have it be intensely funny, and vice versa.

Moses freed the Jews. Lincoln freed the slaves. I freed the neurotics.

All the hatin just fuels to my fire.

Take a moment to think about your answer to this question: Am I prepared to have great success and not get any credit for it?

Syntax must be bad, having sin and tax in it.