It warps the minds of our children and weakens the resolve of our allies.

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

Fancies are like shadows...you can't cage them, they're such wayward, dancing things.

Books are the mirror of the soul

It's true that stammerers can become more adept at sentence construction.

Sweetened ice tea is one of the things I love about the South, right up there with homemade biscuits and cheese grits.

Waves, once they land on the beach, are not reversible.

Those who dare to try what others only dream of - never fail to discover that real effort is always rewarded.

I try to be well informed. I don't know how well I do all the time, but I try nonetheless.

The guillotine was most effective and used until fairly recently.

It's very much like opera singers. They do the same thing. The first thing in the morning and the last thing at night, the thing they think about is their voice and how to take care of it.

It's very gratifying to me to see my works bringing people closer to my country.