If you're going to give people 20 minutes of news satire, you've also got to give them Tiffani-Amber Thiessen or you're going to have rioting in the streets.

You can truly grieve for every officer who's been lost in the line of duty in this country, and still be troubled by cases of police overreach.

I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.

There are a hell of a lot of jobs that are scarier than live comedy. Like standing in the operating room when a guy's heart stops, and you're the one who has to fix it!

We have it. The smoking gun. The evidence. The potential weapon of mass destruction we have been looking for as our pretext of invading Iraq. There's just one problem - it's in North Korea.

Religion. It's given people hope in a world torn apart by religion.

I've always liked Atlanta. And not just for the strip clubs, but the shopping and the food.

Yes, reason has been a part of organized religion, ever since two nudists took dietary advice from a talking snake.

I really like to put my name on everything, so my roommate doesn't steal it. It's really a throwback to that.

I'm too short to host a late-night talk show. It's like the bar at an amusement-park ride. You have to be six foot two or over.

If your regime is not strong enough to handle a joke, then you don't have a regime.

We just have to remind ourselves that the source of any happiness is mind itself.

Whatever the universal nature assigns to any man at any time is for the good of that man at that time.

Not he who has little but he who wishes more is poor.

Education and morals make the good man, the good statesman, the good ruler.

Form and function are a unity, two sides of one coin. In order to enhance function, appropriate form must exist or be created.

The most important piece in the house is the garbage can.

Order is repetition of units. Chaos is multiplicity without rhythm.

A willing mind makes a hard journey easy.

In life's brief game to be a winner A man must have...oh yes, above All else, of course, someone to love.