If you laugh at it, you can deal with it.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

Science and spirituality are not opposed entities that try to claim ownership of the universal truth but rather different layers of awareness about this world.

E-books are great for instant gratification - you see a review somewhere of a book that interests you, and you can start reading it five minutes later.

I was the first size 14 model to be featured in an ad in the magazine,I was the first size 14 model on the cover!

I think not many young people are willing to pay the price of telling their own story.

A ship's a fool to fight a fort.

Is it time for your medication or mine?

Do you even recognize your own consciousness?

A bad word from a colleague can darken a whole day. We need encouragement a lot more than we admit, even to ourselves.

More and more Emerson recedes grandly into history, as the future he predicted becomes a past.

Obviously it won't all run smoothly. But it's important to awknowledge that while we may make mistakes, in the long run, we may also learn fromt them.