If ye live enough befure thirty ye won't care to live at all afther fifty.

Trust everybody, but cut the cards.

A man's idea in a game of cards is war, cruel, devastating, and pitiless. A lady's idea of it is a combination of larceny, embezzlement and burglary.

A fanatic is a man that does what he thinks the Lord would do if He knew the facts of the case.

The past always looks better than it was; it's only pleasant because it isn't here.

Swearing was invented as a compromise between running away and fighting.

That is, no matther whether th' constitution follows th' flag or not, th' supreme coort follows th' iliction returns.

What is instinct? It is the natural tendency in one when filled with dismay to turn to his wife.

An appeal is when you ask one court to show its contempt for another court.

Most vegetarians look so much like the food they eat that they can be classified as cannibals.

I niver knew a pollytician to go wrong ontil he's been contaminated by contact with a business man.

Of middle age the best that can be said is that a middle-aged person has likely learned how to have a little fun in spite of his troubles.

We're not going to have a wall [on Southern border] like now which is either non-existent or a joke.

If they drive God from the earth, we shall shelter Him underground.

Scenes of blood and cruelty are shocking to our ear and heart. What man has nerve to do, man has not nerve to hear.

I have a lot of male friends.

If you keep a gun in your purse, you get killed, because no woman can find anything in her purse in under twelve minutes. It's a rule.

To play the trumpet well, a musician can not let more than a few days pass without practicing.

The worst prison would be a closed heart.

Reading a good long novel is in many ways like having a long and satisfying affair

They told me I gave the best milk mustache of anybody.