I wouldn't hurt a flea. I'd finger a spider though.

I have the brain of a German Shepherd and the body of a 16-year-old boy; they’re both in my car and I want you to see them

Yet there are some people - Steve Allen would dissect comedy forever; he's a really funny guy, but he would love talking about comedy. I'm doing it right now and you all seem bored.

I'd like a nice piece of salmon that's not too pink inside and yet isn't too dry or crisp either.

Today is the first day of the rest of your life. And if that doesn't work out for you, Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of your life.

Behind every great man in prison is another great man in prison.

My father once told me, and it's stuck with me to this day: As you walk through life, every time you fart it pushes you forward.

Today is a brand new day. A day of change, of promise, of creativity, of kindness, and of love. I'm going back to bed.

If someone sprays windex in your food it can give you diarrhea. But once you wipe it off your windows, you're fine.

I don't roll like that but I've never been with a hooker either. Yeah, that's good to say in an interview cause I feel bad a little because people grew up watching me and that's a little disturbing.

My dad told me if I was ever intimidated by anyone, just picture them with their clothes off. He said that's how he dealt with my mom.

One little Indian left all alone, he went out and hanged himself and then there were none.

Don’t kiss me, ” she said warningly.“I don’t intend to, ” he replied, smiling a little. “I don’t have my whip and chair with me.

All the stars stay hidden behind the daylight.

I am dead to you, but you are living in me.

All of us wish we had an Alice. I wish I had an Alice.

It is the concept of likelihood that a real understanding of probability resides, and we must learn how to measure it.

It's called talent. I just have it. I can't explain it. You either have it or you don't.

[Stand-up] might be ballsy, but I'd rather not be an actor. Actors are tools.

Focus on the center of the chest, relax. Imagine a rose there. Feel it unfolding. Let yourself go and ignore your thoughts.

Selection is the invention of the landscape painter.