I wish, in some ways, I was the type of comedian who could do something blistering and topical, but I'm the guy who gets stuck in the revolving door and thinks I should write about that.

The appetizer is just an excuse for an extra meal. Let's see, I will start with the eighty buffalo wings.

Yeah the appetizer, that's the food we eat before we have our food...No no you're thinking of dessert, that's food we eat after we have our food.

You wanna know how good bacon is? To improve other food, they wrap it in bacon.

Whenever you correct someone's grammar just remember that nobody likes you.

I talk kinda slow, especially for the Northeast, so it was a way to beat [would-be hecklers] to the punch.

My favorite vegetable is the marshmallow.

The only advantage to wearing glasses is that you can do that dramatic removal.

Anyone know if the shuttles to Hell will have Wifi? Asking for a friend.

One of the benefits of eating salad is that you can eat tons of it and never be satisfied.

In the end, the type of parent you are is going to be something that you carry with you. ... Having multiple kids, it's been a gift in a way. It's keeping the priorities straighter.

Nothing is permanent in my mysterious world, even my moments of belief - Jenifer

Where does it lead, this rockrose path?

I'm just not used to talking that much about myself. It feels strange.

Consciousness is either inexplicable illusion, or else revelation.

Fundamentally, I have no idea how the world works, though I am trying to figure it out.

I accept sceptics, you've got to have challenges.

I've tried like hell to make bad movies good, and I can't. Maybe Marlon Brando has been able to do that at times. But even he has a hard time making 'The Appaloosa' a good movie.

We call the effort to cultivate our ability to be in the present moment ‘practice’ or ‘meditation practice.’

My support system is simple - people and time. The miracle of other people in your life.

Birth is not the beginning, Death is not the end.