I was in a hotel room in Dallas, and I was jerking off so much and so sadly and pathetically, that the phone rang, and I thought it's them, they're complaining. ... "Sir, could you please stop?"

When a person tells you that you hurt them, you don't get to decide that you didn't.

The greatest thing about having a child is putting yourself second in your own life. It's a massive gift to be able to say you're not the most important person to yourself.

I don't stop eating when I'm full. The meal isn't over when I'm full. It's over when I hate myself.

I have a lot of beliefs... and I live by none of them...

My kids used to love math. Now it makes them cry. Thanks standardized testing and common core!

When you have bacon in your mouth, it doesn't matter who's president.

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime. Leave the dude alone and he'll figure it out.

Everything is amazing and nobody is happy

What happens after you die? Lot's of things happen after you die - they just don't involve you

One thing I learned from drinking is that if you ever go Christmas caroling, you should go with a group of people. And also go in mid-December.

The spiritual cares for everything.

If it's not exactly like you thought it would be, you think it's a failure. What about the spectrum of colors in between.

Politics is the gizzard of society full of gut and gravel.

We may our ends by our beginnings know.

I used to collect knick-knacks, like wizards, trolls and little buddhas, and arrange them like precious things on a shelf.

A power nap, is when you sleep on someone who's weaker than you

We do not succeed in changing things according to our desire, but gradually our desire changes.

I'd done a very long project on Bridges To Babylon. I was on the road for ages with that. When I came off the road, I thought, the next thing I want to do on my own.

Problems look mighty small from 150 miles up.

An ending was an ending. No matter how many pages of sentences and paragraphs of great stories led up to it, it would always have the last word.