I used to make up stuff in my bio all the time, that I used to be a professional ice-skater and stuff like that. I found it so inspirational. Why not make myself cooler than I am?

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

The path of development is a journey of discovery that is clear only in retrospect, and it’s rarely a straight line.

Whatever you do in this lifetime, strive to make your parents happy and proud

Take away the violence and who will hear the men of peace?

Rattle a lawyer's door and you get more lawyers.

It is fun to have fun.

You know, I'm not in a hurry, and everybody else in Hollywood - particularly agents and managers - they're all in a hurry.

And speaking of females, if I call you by one's name while my fangs are plunged deep in your neck, just run with it.

Your words bring me joy. Let the two of us unite to bring forth a world of peace and virtue.

I'm washing lettuce. Soon, I'll be on fries. In a few years, I'll make assistant manager, and that's when the big bucks start rolling in.

We must be alarmingly enterprising, and we must be startlingly original, and do new and striking things which constitute a revolution.