I think Helen of Troy must have been pretty hot. She got two countries going crazy for 10 years over her.

You can’t make everybody laugh. You gotta just do what you think is funny. Just be obstreperous to everybody.

I know nowadays the common wisdom is to celebrate diversity as long as you don't point out that people are different.

I'm just another guy who thinks he's smarter than he is, in a long line of them.

The ancient Greeks were the first ones to say an unexamined life is not worth living. They don't tell you of course what we found out, an examined life not that fascinating either.

The earth is a used Kleenex on the universe's nightstand.

Twitter is one of those dangerous toys that if it gets in the hands of the wrong person you'll have the mind of a 12-year-old masquerading as an adult.

So instead of talking about theoretical ways of ending the war and violence, I say that we have to get rid of the individual asholes in each office and situation.

People say history is boring, and that is true because people are boring. We haven't changed since time began. We're still the same.

I get the impression the English kings were witty, for some reason. I feel like all you had was your wit.

I think everyone should own six guns, even though I don't own any.

If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.

If the Starbucks secret is a smile when you get your latte... ours is that the Web site adapts to the individual's taste.

I believe that inside many Americans lies certain uneasiness about capital punishment.

That's got to be at least one of the benefits of heaven - never having to act normal again.

Let's enjoy love: without it we cannot live.

[A] mother is one to whom you hurry when you are troubled.

That's the key to comedy: allowing yourself to look stupid

I never think of physical fighting. It's always spiritual. Fighting is spiritual.

The truth will set you free...unless you want to know the truth about who killed JFK.

Once you attempt legislation upon religious grounds, you open the way for every kind of intolerance and religious persecution.