I should be European. I'm long and lean. I'd look good in a trench coat.

I thought 'Pineapple Express' was hilarious.

Remember Tupperware? That was the toughest stuff ever. Why can't they make a phone out of Tupperware?

When you're babysitting a kid, all you're seeing is a version of them, a small dosage.

I am the comedy version of ambidextrous. I'm working with my left and right hand. I'm the two-sided coin. I'm all of those metaphors you can think of. I'm the interracial couple. I'm BET and CBS.

You're trying to make someone wet their pants and you're trying to make somebody crap in their pants. That's the motivation of a comic. Who else has that power?

All you wanna do in life is do what you do well. That's when you're happiest.

You know how you put peanut butter on a piece of bread and the bread falls - it never falls on the bread side down, it always falls peanut butter side down. That's because of gravity.

You ever taste some damn chicken so horrible, that you wished the chicken would show up at your house and show your lady how to cook him?

Man, you can come see me six or seven times in a row and you'll never see the same show twice, because I don't like to be robotic onstage. I like to perform for that particular audience.

This Italian restaurant I'm at is authentic! When they seat you, they give you a mustache.

She wasn't actually speaking to me, she was singing a kind of lullaby of talk. But, eventually, the music stopped.

Money dignifies what is frivolous if unpaid for.

Optimists are usually wrong. But all the great change in history, positive change, was done by optimists.

Once man's connection to the divine is denied, you can reason yourself from here to anywhere.

You can't get a guarantee from everyone who appears in personal photographs that they will forever remain warm presences in one's life or sweet memories.

The man who can articulate the movements of his inner life need no longer be a victim of himself, but is able slowly and consistently to remove the obstacles that prevent the spirit from entering.

We probably looked like starving orphan children. Hey! We were starving orphan children.

Because when the world quiets to the sound of your own breathing, we all want the same things: comfort, love, and a peaceful heart.

Death, but not for you, gunslinger. Never for you. You darkle. You tinct. May I be brutally frank? You go on.

A republican government should be based on free and equal education among the people