I'm the kind of guy who can't keep a plant alive for a week, let alone a relationship.

With kangaroos, you say 'Sit!' and they start boxing with you. They're nuts!

I've always been known as the fat kid from Stand By Me.

What if you could find brand new worlds, right here on Earth, where anything is possible? Same planet, different dimension. I've found the gateway.

Buddy of mine once told me that he'd rather fly a jet than kiss his girl. Said it gave him more of a kick.

Dogs are the only mammals that will actually stare and look into a human’s eyes.

There's no better feeling than making your little girls laugh.

I like wearing my wedding ring, it's nice.

I don’t want to react because I don’t want them to know it’s a bad word, but I want to encourage them to talk so I’m like, ‘That’s good!’

I highly suggest marriage to all my friends who are dating.

I get very nervous when I have to take my wedding ring off.

On my honor, I will do my bestTo do my duty To God and my country

Snowball?"It's white."Meow."It's so girly."This from a guy who named his poodle Princess."his laughter died. "How do you know about Princess?"Your sister told me.

If you don't appreciate your customers, someone else will.

Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity, but don't rule out malice.

When I'm good, I'm very good. But when I'm bad I'm better.

God knows (She knows) that women try.

Love is blind, there was no doubt about it. In Tara's case it was also deaf, dumb, dyslexic, had a bad hip and the beginnings of Alzheimer's

The man who is prepared has his battle half fought.

Rightly or wrongly, most Americans look at mortgage equity withdrawal as the closest thing to a free lunch.

Comedy is crowded. There are hundreds of comedians in every place in the world.