I'm so secretive that when someone asks me, Hey, can you keep a secret? I say That's none of your business.

I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.

How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks gray.

I wear dark sunglasses when I want my head to look more like a limousine.

The clothes make the man. The children working in sweatshops make the clothes. Therefore, the children working in sweatshops make the man.

A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy.

Earrings are the same as sneezes: Two is okay, but ten in a row is annoying. If you have two then, God bless you.

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.

A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.

When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.

There has never been a more urgent time than now for you to seek to maximize your potential for achieving greater balance in your life.

Edinburgh is a comfortable puddle for a novelist.

Wishing does not make a poor man rich.

Vice can be learnt even without a teacher.

Complimenting someone in an exaggerated way is known as flattery, and flattery will generally get you anything you want.

You can put me in the basement or the penthouse, it doesn’t matter to me.

Those who say they want to be writers, and aren’t writing, don’t.

Dr. S. Dillon Ripley, secretary of the Smithsonian Institute, believes that in 25 years, somewhere between 75 and 80 percent of all the species of living animals will be extinct.

Just like a script, you need to keep a business plan to yourself.

All war represents a failure of diplomacy.