I'm convinced my cockroaches have military training, I set off a roach bomb - they diffused it.

My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings

I'm on performance enhancing drugs, so I may cause drowsiness.

My girlfriend bought me a down jacket, she said it fit my personality.

My whole family is lactose intolerant and when we take pictures we can't say cheese.

They asked me what I thought about euthanasia. I said I'm more concerned about the adults.

I don't need to worry about identity theft because no one wants to be me.

I went to an audition the other day, they were casting 13 people to be clouds, 14 people showed up, it was overcast.

I told my therapist I was having nightmares about nuclear explosions. He said don't worry it's not the end of the world.

It all started when my dog began getting free roll over minutes

A window of opportunity for me usually involves a rock.

That which we persist in doing becomes easier to do, not that the nature of the thing has changed, but our power to do so is increased.

Maybe this is what alone really is — finding out how tiny your world is, and not knowing how to get anywhere else.

A smiling face is half the meal.

Pride is bad, stress is good. I don't want to feel confident. I want to feel rage. Endless, all consuming rage.

Always trying new things is always more fun, and it can be scary, but it's always more fun in the end.

The Dewey decimal system really works. So that's all I needed to know. Elementary school taught me that.

Nuclear weapons are the scourge of the earth; to mine for them, manufacture them, deploy them, use them, is a curse against God, the human family, and the earth itself.

Americans are the great Satan, the wounded snake.

History is replete with examples of moments in time when we talk about deficit reduction and try to advance on it around the world, that is, where it leads to job losses, not job creation.

When the oak is felled the whole forest echoes with it fall, but a hundred acorns are sown in silence by an unnoticed breeze.