They asked me what I thought about euthanasia. I said I'm more concerned about the adults.

My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings

I'm on performance enhancing drugs, so I may cause drowsiness.

My girlfriend bought me a down jacket, she said it fit my personality.

My whole family is lactose intolerant and when we take pictures we can't say cheese.

I'm convinced my cockroaches have military training, I set off a roach bomb - they diffused it.

I don't need to worry about identity theft because no one wants to be me.

I went to an audition the other day, they were casting 13 people to be clouds, 14 people showed up, it was overcast.

I told my therapist I was having nightmares about nuclear explosions. He said don't worry it's not the end of the world.

It all started when my dog began getting free roll over minutes

A window of opportunity for me usually involves a rock.

An unrested mind is prone to wander into unfruitful avenues

The issue of prayer is not prayer; the issue of prayer is God. One cannot pray unless he has faith in his own ability to accost the infinite, merciful, eternal God.

We are sufficient to do everything possible to heal this Earth.

In philosophy, or religion, or ethics, or politics, two and two might make five, but when one was designing a gun or an aeroplane they had to make four.

Man is unique not because he does science, and his is unique not because he does art, but because science and art equally are expressions of his marvelous plasticity of mind.

We figure out what death means when we're born, practically, and we live our whole lives in some kind of weird denial about it.

It's absolutely crucial that we come face to face with the power of our choices.

Never had he found himself so close to those terrible weapons of feminine artillery.

A relationship should not suppress our adventure or suppress the speed with which we learn the lessons that are there for us to learn.