I love the holiday season, almost as much as I love touching myself in front of orphans.

I was mad when I heard The Amazing Race wasn't about white people.

I was kosher until I had my Bar Mitzvah, and I parlayed officially becoming a man into telling my father I wanted to eat cheeseburgers.

I once fisted two babies and then used the corpses as boxing gloves to fight off the grieving parents.

It's all about being a part of something in the community, socializing with people who share interests and coming together to help improve the world we live in.

In New York, we tip everyone. We tip doormen, we tip cab drivers, and we tip bartenders at the bar. You'll get quite an evil eye if you don't leave a tip at the bar.

I like hot dogs. I like eggplant. I like pizza and creamed corn and beer. But I don't like Arabs.

The best way to travel abroad is to live with the locals.

I don't mind it if blacks want equal rights, as long as they mean rights equal to a dog

It turns out Superman is weak to Kryptonite and horses.

Women have the right to choose what do with their own bodies. They can take it in the cooch or in the pooper. But that's where their right to choose stops, in my opinion.

You are changing the world with your thoughts, actions and creation.

Only a few human beings should grow to the square mile they are commonly planted too close.

People always want to pin yesterday's news on you, as opposed to asking you what you're going to do for the future, what you're doing today.

That's some f***ing doorman you've got there, Ms. Shugak.

Rome took all the vanity out of me; for after seeing the wonders there, I felt too insignificant to live, and gave up all my foolish hopes in despair.

Surely the Department of Defense can and needs to do a better job of training new and existing first responders to respond to sexual assaults occurring in the military.

I started a PhD in English at the University of Chicago because I loved poetry-which I now realize is like saying I studied vivisection because I loved dogs.

We learn to love our sweat, we discover our passion to move and connect it to effort, we discover both the animal in us and the power of our imagination

Expose widespread waste and duplication in federal spending.

You can't reduce an actual human being; you're just writing! You're not doing anything to another person.