I love standup comedians. I really do.

The appetizer is just an excuse for an extra meal. Let's see, I will start with the eighty buffalo wings.

Yeah the appetizer, that's the food we eat before we have our food...No no you're thinking of dessert, that's food we eat after we have our food.

You wanna know how good bacon is? To improve other food, they wrap it in bacon.

Whenever you correct someone's grammar just remember that nobody likes you.

I talk kinda slow, especially for the Northeast, so it was a way to beat [would-be hecklers] to the punch.

My favorite vegetable is the marshmallow.

The only advantage to wearing glasses is that you can do that dramatic removal.

Anyone know if the shuttles to Hell will have Wifi? Asking for a friend.

One of the benefits of eating salad is that you can eat tons of it and never be satisfied.

In the end, the type of parent you are is going to be something that you carry with you. ... Having multiple kids, it's been a gift in a way. It's keeping the priorities straighter.

dude im starting to think that life is very unfair

Yes, happiness is dependent upon misery. For we all feel a swell of happiness after our circumstances improve from a misery recently suffered.

Either you were the best of the best or you were nothing, and somehow that didn't seem right.

I don't know what he means by that, but I nod and smile at him. You'd be surprised at how far that response can get you in a conversation where you are completely confused.

Wars and elections are both too big and too small to matter in the long run. The daily work - that goes on, it adds up.

Sacrificers are not the ones to pity. The ones to pity are those they sacrifice.

Good teams don't care about who scores. Good teams just care about scoring; they don't care who does it.

Nothing is greater or more fearful sacrilege than to prostitute the great name of God to the petulancy of an idle tongue.

The poetry of earth is never dead When all the birds are faint with the hot sun, And hide I cooling trees, a voice will run From hedge to hedge about the new-mown mead.

We have just started, and if you compare the number of people using Skype to the number using a telephone network around the world, we're still just starting.