I love being married. I was single for a long time, and I just got so sick of finishing my own sentences.

There's always one teacher you had a crush on; for me, it's my wife's aerobics instructor.

I went to a bookstore the other day. I asked a woman behind the counter where the self-help books were. She said, ‘If I told you, that would defeat the whole purpose.’

In high school, my sister went out with the captain of the chess team. My parents loved him... They figured that any guy that took hours to make a move was okay with them.

My grandfather is hard of hearing. He needs to read lips. I don't mind him reading lips, but he uses one of those yellow highlighters.

But maybe that was what it meant to grow up and have the seemingly infinite possibility of childhood vanish in an instant. You had to press on, no matter how dark and narrow the path ahead seemed.

Liberals seem to assume that, if you don’t believe in their particular political solutions, then you don’t really care about the people that they claim to want to help.

Serial murders are just the worst stories. It can take an emotional toll on you.

I believe that if the Tribune company ever tries to close down Wrigley Field that you will have a protest from every corner of the globe.

As a writer, you have to believe you're one of the best writers in the world. To sit down every day at the typewriter filled with self-doubt is not a good idea.

Paris, though it's a very famous city, it's very small, so people always tell themselves, "We're gonna love each other in Paris."

It's a bit like a fledgeling duck, finding your flippers.

Complaint is a prayer to the devil.

God's children should pray. They should cry day and night to Him. God hears every one of your cries in the busy hour of the daytime and in the lonely watches of the night.

What was the competition? Well, I remember this Puerto Rican who came out in a short skirt and a gun.