I’ll always be doing stand-up as long as people are still interested in seeing me.

A Muslim allowed a topless Jew to sit on his camel. And we say we can't live side by side? I say we try and we can and we will. And you don't even have to be topless. L'chaim.

We usually have margaritas on Thursdays but since it's Tuesday I'll make an exception.

Even if times are tough and you're enduring a terrible heartache, it's important to focus your anger on a vibrator, not another person.

Laugh loudly, laugh often, and most important, laugh at yourself.

I can't be skinny all the time. I like to drink and I like to eat. I like burgers and bagels.

I think we can all agree that sleeping around is a great way to meet people.

I'm very much about letting other people shine, because it makes us all shine brighter.

You do not OWN a dog. You HAVE a dog. And the dog HAS YOU

There are no warning signs on the trampoline. The warning is the trampoline.

I don't like the word 'alcoholic'. I like to think of myself as an advanced drinker.

Prayer can do anything God can do and God can do anything!

No one can appropriate God, goodness, the Bible or Jesus. It just seems that way.

To be idle is a short road to death and to be diligent is a way of life; foolish people are idle, wise people are diligent.

To a man, ornithologists are tall, slender, and bearded so that they can stand motionless for hours, imitating kindly trees, as they watch for birds.

When we step on the battlefield, I will be The First Boots On and the Last Boots Off.

The link between peace and stability on the one hand, and social and economic growth on the other, is dialectic. Peace, poverty, and backwardness cannot mix in one region.

The sooner you learn to finish things, and as a matter of course finish your creative endeavors, the better. It took me a long time to learn that.

Loyalty consists of many things, including being truthful with our friends. When you really disagree, you have to say so.

We may think that our tradition is exactly the same as it has always been, but that is an illusion.

Everybody gets high, everybody gets low, these are the days when anything goes.