I know enough about human nature to know that people generally prefer to find the most corrupt way of doing things possible, given enough incentive.

Don't say the old lady screamed. Bring her on and let her scream.

Humans were peculiar. They were by turns squeamish and appallingly violent.

Auntie Wu took special pride in two of her accomplishments--the sons she bore and the flowers she grew. They were equally useless, but the flowers smelled better.

It was patriotism, not communism, that inspired me.

The pleasures of ignorance are as great, in their way, as the pleasures of knowledge.

Silence and simplicity obtrude on no one, but are yet two unequaled attractions in woman.

I've never written jokes. I mean, I'll write things on a piece of paper and riff on them onstage.

Probably because I'm bald. Don't the bald people always play doctors and principals? Yeah, isn't that funny? And lawyers. A lot of lawyers and judges.

Someone accompanies every soul from the other side when it enters this place. Usually it is an ancestor with whom that child shares traits and gifts

Well-gotten wealth may lose itself, but the ill-gotten loses its master also.